Why Would I Write

Category: Random

  • I guess we’re back (to smoking cigarettes now)

    I guess we’re back (to smoking cigarettes now)

    It would be easy to write a year-end recap about how 2025 went.

    But that’s not really what I like to do. Simple is boring. Predictable. I already do that for my music, and I don’t need to do it here too.

    Besides, everyone could write the same recap. We all got better at something, worse at others, and rebalanced our lives as priorities shifted. Some things became more important, others less so.

    That’s just how life is. A series of choices. What did we sacrifice to gain something else?

    There’s one thing everybody has in common: time. We all spent the same 24 hours a day and arrived at the same point – the end of 2025. We just used that time differently and took steps toward different goals and dreams.

    There’s no right or wrong way to spend time. Life is what you make it. It can be as pressure-cooker as you want it to be, or as chill as you want. Either way, it’s your decision.

    There’s no reason we can’t start things now instead of waiting for next year. Having a fixed point of 365 days to look back on just makes things neater. Otherwise, it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes a year is too long and gets daunting.

    If I had told myself that I wouldn’t stop gymming every week for a full year, I don’t think I could have done it. The fact that I’ve kept it up for almost three years now makes me think, wow, it’s not so hard after all.

    I wasn’t even aiming to do it. I was just taking things a week at a time. Those weeks turned into months, and those months turned into years.

    If I had set out with that goal in mind from the start, it probably would’ve felt overwhelming. Nobody really sets a three-year plan unless you’re a business owner. You take it a day at a time, it turns into weeks, then months, and sometimes years.

    Last year, after moving my guitar into my room, I started playing a lot more. That one small change made all the difference. Being able to reach for my guitar while sitting at my desk meant I picked it up more often.

    Before that, I would only play when I felt inspired or when I had a show to practice for. Now that it’s within arm’s reach, I just pick it up and play when I can.

    That led to the creation of three songs this year, with a couple more in the works. I’ve made more new music in the past year than I’ve done in the past few years. I could write about how I managed to write three songs this year, but wouldn’t it be more interesting to talk about what I learnt during the process, and what actually made it work?

    Of course, there were trade-offs. I played live music less. I’ve been more keen on writing and recording music in my bedroom — partly because I get to do it with an electric guitar, which I love, but mostly because I enjoy being home by 10pm these days.

    I spent a lot less time hanging out and chilling as well. Wanting to be home by 10 feels weird. Is it an old man thing? Who knows. That’s just how I’ve been.

    That said, I’ll be playing my next show in a week at Merdekarya, so do come check it out. More details coming soon.

    I also got myself a drawing display, which reignited my spark for drawing. I haven’t done much beyond the usual Inktober, but it made me think I’d probably draw a lot more in the future. I also made my first video essay.

    I churned out 30 days of art this year. I wasn’t even planning to do it. I just did it because of a friend’s suggestion. The best part is that I learnt a lot from it. Mainly, that it’s better to have something out than nothing at all.

    You could have a thousand great ideas, but if they never materialise, they might as well not exist.

    I’m firmly in the camp that it’s better to finish something and put it out there now. You can always come back and revise it later. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be complete.

    Nothing is stopping you from improving something later, or from moving on to something else. It’s not like you pressed a thousand vinyls that are now stuck in a warehouse forever. You can fix things in post. Even movies, music, and games do it now — with remasters, remakes, rerecordings, Taylor’s version, and so on.

    If you don’t start, you can’t finish. And if you don’t finish, you won’t know what you need to improve. I really resonate with Nike’s slogan, “Just do it,” even though I don’t own any Nike products myself.

    I travelled to a few places this year. I went to India for the first time for a friend’s wedding. People are always impressed when you wear traditional clothes from their culture. Something about it turns you into a beacon of attention.

    You also learn that different parts of a country can be very different from what you see online. We were holed up in a nice part of the country, right next to the coast. Peaceful. Serene. No shitting in the streets or dirty food. My impression of India is based on that experience, not what the algorithm has fed me.

    Travel also made me realise that I’m not reliant on cigarettes. I travelled to two countries where I couldn’t bring my vape, so I had to switch to smokes for those periods. I thought it would bring back my smoking habit, but after going through that twice, I now think I’m addicted to vaping instead. Vaping is superior.

    Flavour, smell, experience. Everything. I don’t know if I’m going to have jelly in my lungs, but whatever. I hope it doesn’t get banned. If they ban vaping because it’s bad, they should ban cigarettes too. Get the whole country off it. Everybody should suffer at the same time.

    Travelling also taught me that my girlfriend and I are very compatible. Being able to stand each other’s company for two weeks straight can only mean good things. We’re both easygoing and spontaneous enough that doing nothing or doing something is equally fine.

    Not once was there any conflict on the trip. She tolerates my inability to tolerate the cold. What a trooper. I love her.

    Wants and needs change all the time. Earlier this year, I was pining for a walnut SG guitar. In the end, I decided against it. That feeling went away, and I don’t want one anymore.

    I’m happy sticking with the two guitars I already own. I haven’t even maximised their potential yet.

    Dogs continue to be amazing creatures. While I don’t have the capacity to take care of one at the moment, I’ll give my love to the ones I get to meet.

    It’s always good to get rid of junk from your room. I did a massive room-clearing session in early 2025, and I’m due for another one. Why do we keep boxes? Why do I keep boxes? They just pile up nonstop.

    I found a cheaper alternative to a 30k hair transplant: 12k. Still not cheap, but at least now I know. My white beard hairs aren’t going away either. I also learnt the usefulness of hairspray and salt spray. And hair perms are pretty cool.

    Relying on AI to write has hampered my writing ability, but it’s become a requirement at work, so I’ve had to embrace it. I’ve completely changed my workflows to accommodate AI.

    It helps cut out menial tasks, but people who rely on AI won’t be able to do the work on their own in the future. I know because I feel it.

    Immodium is great for easily upset tummies. I keep a stash with me at all times.

    Waking up early is actually great too. I won’t say I wish I had started earlier, but it’s something I hope to keep up. Sleeping is still fun.

    Things that broke this year: my toilet handle, car brakes, and engine cooling fan. It feels like you should always be prepared to spend money, especially around bonus time.

    I attended my school alumni reunion for the first time since I graduated. Some people you can reconnect with immediately, like you never stopped chatting.

    Others fade the less you talk to them. Not saying everybody needs to keep in touch all the time, but don’t be surprised when people disappear if nobody makes the effort.

    I guess this is also a good place to say that I started this blog in 2025 and finished it in 2026. A day late. But I finished it. And that’s kind of the whole point. I could’ve left it sitting in my notes forever, half-written and unfinished, but instead I put it out.

    It’s not perfect, but it’s complete. Finishing something matters a lot more than finishing it on time. Except when it’s your job. Good thing writing this blog isn’t my job.

  • Active, Conscious Appreciation

    Active, Conscious Appreciation

    The other day in the plane, looking out the window at night, seeing KL lit up made me realize how much electricity we use. Which got me thinking about how different life would be without it, something we utterly take for granted. Imagine a life without electricity: no computers, no phones, no TV, no fans, all the things we take for granted.

    It highlights the difference between abundance and scarcity, too. When the toothpaste tube is still new, it’s something you don’t think about. But when you’re reaching the end, you’re thinking, how long can I make this last? Do I really need that much?

    Then I started thinking about all the things we take for granted in life. We take life itself for granted.

    Like when I wake up every morning, I don’t think, “Oh, shit, I’m so glad I’m alive.” I don’t even think about it. Instead, I think, “Fuck, why do I have to get up?” I’m not thankful that I have work to do, things to look forward to; a purpose in life.

    I wake up simply because I have things to do. I take for granted the ability to do them: to drive to the office, speak to people, make decisions, and carry out my tasks. I don’t consider that I could be someone without those abilities or things to look forward to, because it happens all the time, and I never stop to think about it.

    I realized I used to take for granted things like my safety before I was mugged. It took me years before I felt safe to walk the streets with headphones on again.

    And it’s not just personal abilities. We take for granted that the buildings beneath our feet don’t crumble. It would be strange, but not impossible, for the building I’m in to be leveled to the ground. Where would I go? How would I escape?

    We take for granted our ability to breathe, to see, to read, to control our hands. To type, to write, to move, to talk – everything. It can all just disappear one day.

    What I’m trying to get at is this: we take a lot of things for granted, and that’s not a bad thing. We just have to be cognizant of the fact that we could lose any or all of those things at any time.

    I guess now that I’ve put it down into words, I’ve acknowledged what I’m thankful for, and I’m glad. That’s probably enough. No point worrying about every single thing. I guess there’s a balance.

    Like my favorite chicken rice store in the neighborhood. Over the past year, he was constantly moving locations, closing and reopening his shop in different spots, some better than others. He finally caught a lucky break with a spot in a decent kopitiam.

    He told me the kopitiam owner had invited him and given him a good rental rate. The spot was perfect: tons of tables, a roof so people could eat even when it was raining, and a healthy ecosystem with other stalls, but no other chicken rice. Plus, the drinks were handled by the kopitiam.

    Dude was super happy about moving there. I don’t remember exactly how long after he moved, but it must have been only a few weeks: I saw him, fine and dandy, on a Thursday. Two days later, I read the news of his passing in a community Facebook group.

    Apparently, he passed out while setting up the store one morning and died on the way to the hospital. Sad news. The chicken rice stall still exists, life goes on, but not seeing that man there to greet me every time I go for a meal reminds me that life can end in an instant, just like that.

    As the plane landed safely, I thought to myself: people always assume they are never the one in the 0.000001% of people to be in a plane accident, like me.

    But worrying about the uncontrollable; the plane crashing, or life itself; does no good either. It’s entirely out of your control.

    Why waste the energy worrying when it makes absolutely no difference to the outcome? Might as well focus that energy on what you can change.

    And be glad for the flight you’re on. You’re going on a holiday, after all.

  • Looking up at Giants

    Looking up at Giants

    It’s easy to write about memories and nostalgia. And I can talk a lot about my childhood, now that I’m old and decrepit, and many people reading my blog can relate because they grew up in the late 80s and 90s.

    It’s crazy to think I was barely a child when Take on Me was considered a fresh new song.

    Also, did you know there was another version of this song released in 1984? Now you do:

    Like I’ve written before, I don’t have any memories before kindergarten. Whatever happened before my first day of school is lost to the void. Maybe one day I’ll try hypnotherapy to figure out what happened or create some false memories. Perhaps I had a traumatic 1985-1990, so my brain repressed those thoughts. In that case, it’s best to leave them alone.

    Also, those five years of my life were likely insignificant. After all, it’s only 12.5% of my almost 40-year-old life and shrinking over time. How much of who I am now was formed during those years? We’ll never know.

    I was a lump of clay to be molded at that age. I probably didn’t even have a real personality or was anything like how I turned out to be right now. I could write a letter to my future self to ask how much has changed. Always thought about doing one of those.

    Things I enjoyed in my childhood that I still enjoy now: reading, writing, gaming, watching cartoons and drawing. I suppose I’m not as different as I thought.

    Things I used to do I don’t do anymore: playing Magic: The Gathering. Does enjoying Slay the Spire or Balatro count?

    Things I do now that I never did as a kid: work, workout, and make music. Let’s not forget smoking/vaping and drinking coffee and alcohol.

    I had a lot of time as a kid. Life was easy then. When you’re privileged, and you don’t have to help out at your parents’ restaurant or shop, or do house chores because you have a helper, you have all the time in the world.

    I went to school, sat through classes, learned shit, came home, finished my homework, and there was plenty of time left in the day to indulge in my hobbies. I didn’t have tuition classes or extracurricular activities that I didn’t enjoy back then.

    Just like everything in life, you don’t know how good you had it until it’s gone. It didn’t occur to me that all the free time I had back then – all the minutes I took for granted – would be something I’d miss as an adult. It wasn’t something I appreciated or even noticed.

    It was only as an adult in the workforce that I came to realize this. No more semester breaks, no more free time that started in the afternoon. Not to mention all the new responsibilities and bills I now have to pay as part of my life.

    As a kid, I would look up to the adults around me, literally and figuratively, thinking they had their shit all figured out. I was tiny and insignificant. They always had the answers to all my questions. The only problems I ever had were related to school, because as a privileged kid, you have no other issues.

    Message I left for GIS kids.

    I didn’t have to live through poverty, gang fighting, crime-infested neighborhoods and all sorts of shenanigans. It was a pretty sheltered life. I wasn’t living like a prince or anything, but it was a comfortable one.

    The main problem I had to deal with was convincing my mom to let me watch TV shows after bedtime (6 PM, by the way). If that wasn’t allowed, I had to convince her to record it for me on the VCR so I could watch it the next day.

    I hated going to bed early as a kid. I was forced to. I was forced to take afternoon naps on the weekends. What a waste of time, I would tell myself. These days, I willingly go to sleep in the middle of the day because being an old man is exhausting.

    However, I also wake up feeling bad, as if I had wasted the day. The same thing happens when I wake up late in the day. It wasn’t as if I had been partying late the previous night. I’m no longer in my 20s. I sleep more because I can, and because it’s enjoyable.

    Back to my problems, or lack thereof. I didn’t have any serious ones. Getting my drawing book confiscated and then getting in trouble because I took it from my teacher’s desk during lunchtime, and possibly walking in the wrong direction in the hallways during lunchtime (we weren’t allowed to go back to our classroom during the break). That sort of shit.

    In the bus, I witnessed (was not part of) older kids bullying juniors. I kept my nose out of other people’s business (I suppose that’s another trait I’ve maintained as an adult). I remember kids playing yo-yos on the bus, knocking other people’s heads. Schoolboy stuff.

    I recall my friend on the bus who read that, to obtain Mew, the rarest Pokémon in the game, you had to follow a series of steps that included deleting your save game file. At that time, he had already collected 150/150 monsters, so when deleting his save didn’t give him Mew (#151), he broke down crying. I felt bad for him; he was miserable for a while.

    Oh boy, what a time to be alive. Getting tricked by random shit you read on the internet.

    Remember those chain emails that required you to fill in your personal information and forward them within seven days, or else you would die or your crush would never love you? That was a great way to collect personal information.

    The only real problems I had were the complicated math and science problems assigned for homework. Back then, I didn’t see the value in solving those problems.

    But as an adult, I now know. We weren’t solving those problems because we were going to be scientists or math geniuses (well, most of us weren’t). The idea behind learning how to solve those problems was to enable us to analyze and understand how to approach them effectively.

    That’s why teachers always told us to write down the steps we used. We might not have the ability of a calculator to get the answer right. Still, if the steps were correct, it was usually good enough to score some points. It proved we understood the process.

    And that lesson ties directly into adulthood. As a kid, I thought grown-ups had all the answers. Now I know it’s not about having the answer. It’s about knowing how to approach the problem, even if you stumble along the way.

    Which is funny, because now I’m the “giant” my younger self used to look up to. And the truth? I don’t know shit either.

    I’m a regular schmuck figuring out his own life. I’m not special. Just because I’m older and taller doesn’t mean I know everything, despite having almost forty years on this Earth. I see more than I did as a kid, sure but I’m no savior, no hero. Just another person figuring it out.

    And my parents, uncles, and aunties, they all probably felt the same way. And I can empathize with them. Now I’m in their shoes. I know. Till this day, they are probably still as clueless as I am.

    However, I have the emotional quotient to admit I don’t deserve to be revered at all. But the few young ones looking up to me don’t know that. They think otherwise, and they can’t begin to comprehend how adults really don’t know shit.

    Since assuming the role of uncle to my sister’s kids, I’ve learned a great deal about myself. And I have them to thank for opening my eyes. I was once in their shoes, and one day they’ll be in mine, looking down at another hopeful kid…repeating this cycle.

    For now, I’ll do my best to impart my years of knowledge and wisdom, so they become better people. No, I’m not that ambitious. How to be a functional human being on Earth. That’s the bar I’m setting.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever answer all the questions my niece and nephews have. But I can at least tell them this: adulthood isn’t about having the answers. It’s about admitting you don’t, and still trying anyway.

    One thing I swear I won’t do is lead them to religion. I’m not going to promise them something crazy, like eternal life in heaven, because there’s no such thing, and I don’t like to spread lies (I wish young me had the opportunity to know all this before wasting his life for Christ).

    They can go down that road if they want to; that’s not for me to say. Just don’t come asking for donations.

    “If the only thing keeping a person decent is the expectation of divine reward, then, brother, that person is a piece of shit.” Couldn’t have said it better than Rusty.