Why Would I Write

Category: Thoughts

  • Or anything else to lean on

    Or anything else to lean on

    Yesterday, I asked myself: why do I even bring my bag to the office? I started thinking about it. Then it hit me – going to work was like going to school. It was part of my “uniform”. I’ve worn a backpack almost every day in my life ever since I was five. I’m turning forty this year. That’s crazy.

    Why is it crazy? Well, there are many days when I don’t even touch my backpack after arriving at the office. I put it down next to my seat and ignore it for the next 8 hours of the day. It just sits there all day collecting dust and bacteria from all the feet shuffling by.

    I’m carrying my bag for nothing. It contains my personal laptop, its accessories, my gym tag, lock, water bottle, keys, and wallet. It makes sense to bring it out during my work-from-home days, but on my office days? I have no reason to.

    My office laptop stays in the office, so it’s not like I need the bag to lug it home. Then why do I still bring my backpack to the office? I used to think it was a great idea to have my laptop with me at all times. That way, whenever inspiration struck, no matter where I was, I’d be able to pull out my laptop and start writing. Hah! Ever the optimist.

    That used to be the case, but no longer in recent months. Despite having my laptop with me at all times, I haven’t felt the bug to write. As evident by the date of my last blog post. It’s tough deciding what I’d like the world readers to know about me.

    I obviously can’t bear everything about myself, firstly – it would be boring. Secondly, there are parts of my life I don’t want out there for everyone to read. Not that they would be interesting – trust me, I’ve milked stories about my life enough. Heck, this blog is 90% about my life.

    I’ve shared more about myself than anybody needs to know. Hopefully, it’s been entertaining.

    I write for funsies. I’d like to believe it keeps my writing abilities intact. As though I don’t already write enough at work. But if I can’t tell my own stories, how can I do the same for other people? You gotta practice what you make a living off.

    It gives me comfort knowing that the best writers I know write for fun. There must be a reason, right? Regardless, it’s fun to write for fun.

    However, I have been suffering from writer’s block recently. Is it all in my head? Am I making excuses for myself? Maybe. The lack of recent blog posts is proof that I haven’t been able to complete a piece of writing for fun (I’ve got tons of shitty drafts though).

    My songwriting has also been on hold because of this. I told myself I would take a break from live shows to focus on writing new songs because I didn’t want to keep playing the same songs forever. I haven’t played a live show in months.

    I took time to write new music and I have three new demos now, but none of them have vocal melodies, let alone lyrics. Where I’m also stuck.

    You know how much easier it is to write song lyrics when you’re feeling heartbroken and upset? Suddenly, everything you say sounds like poetry. It’s not what I’m going through now. I know it’s an excuse. I should be able to write lyrics even when I’m not unhappy.

    It’s tough and a step out of my comfort zone. But that’s just what life is. Sometimes you need to step out of your comfort zone – if you want to make progress in life or make it interesting. You do things you don’t do every day. Like learning to write non-depressing lyrics.

    Maybe I need to stop bringing my backpack to the office. My back might thank me for it. Perhaps not having access to my laptop at all times will inspire me to write more. It can’t hurt to try. And doing the same thing and expecting different results is insanity. Something needs to change.

    I need to make moves, not excuses.

  • At Ease with Being at Ease

    At Ease with Being at Ease

    I realized I was procrastinating a lot in life. It wasn’t just work—even when it came to doing things for myself, like waking up earlier to get things done on the weekend, I’d put it off, which would then delay my later plans even further. It was a snowball effect.

    I put off finishing my work as though I was practicing edging like there was no tomorrow—waiting until the eve of a deadline to submit it. Even though it wasn’t technically a problem, I felt guilty. I wasn’t being paid to goof off; I was paid to work during working hours. To deliver impact.

    Instead of working at 100% efficiency like my hardworking colleagues during office hours, I spent my nights catching up on work to compensate. I felt that I needed to because I wasted time during the day, so it was my penance to continue working after hours.

    Never mind the fact that I tell myself I’m more productive at night. Maybe that’s just an excuse—after all, productivity shouldn’t depend on the time of day.

    You know how when you’re doing something unproductive, your mind sometimes wanders, and you think, Why am I doing this when I could be doing something productive instead? That’s been me for the longest time.

    I don’t stop whatever I’m doing, mind you—I just think about what I should be doing instead. It’s not great, to be honest. This all started earlier this year when I thought to myself, Hmm, how do I get rid of my procrastination habit? Ironically, I was procrastinating when that thought occurred to me.

    I kept falling into the same cycle. I was gaining nothing by procrastinating, yet I kept doing it, despite knowing it was a problem. But I couldn’t just stop. It’s one of the most difficult things to overcome, especially when it’s a habit you’ve spent most of your adult life reinforcing.

    So I decided to speak to my therapist about it. Not the edging part—that analogy only popped into my head tonight—but the part about feeling bad about procrastinating. I wanted to stop.

    Besides giving me actionable goals, she dug deeper to find the root cause. She shared an image of a triangle and explained:


    Feelings, thoughts, and behavior are all linked. If you understand what triggers your emotions or thoughts while procrastinating, you can identify the underlying cause.

    She also told me that nobody can stay focused for eight hours a day. It’s simply not human. Everyone needs breaks.

    Regardless, we’ve spent the past few weeks trying to uncover the core issue.

    I’ve tried recording my thoughts and feelings, but so far, I’ve got nothing. Maybe it’s suppressed trauma. Maybe it’s something else. The problem is, I don’t feel much of anything when I procrastinate. I don’t even think about it. I just do it.

    In the meantime, she gave me some actionable goals—similar to what my previous therapist suggested:

    • Try the Pomodoro technique.
    • Break big tasks into smaller ones to make them more manageable.
    • Reward yourself. Give yourself something to look forward to.
    • Time your breaks. Be mindful of how long they last.

    This time, I took the timing advice seriously, and it’s helped the most. I started tracking my daily activities.

    When you start paying attention to how you spend your time, it brings clarity and focus. You can measure how much time is truly wasted and how much is spent working hard. And surprisingly, it’s been working. I’m not a machine (yet), but I’ve been more productive than before.

    I even did something unthinkable. For the first time in eighteen years, I filed my taxes the same week I received my tax form. A small task, but to me, a massive accomplishment.

    Imagine if I could be 100% productive when I’m supposed to be. How powerful would that make me???

    In the end, it’s just like managing your finances. They say the easiest way to save money is to track your spending so you can see how much you waste or save. The same applies to time. And to your caloric intake. And your fat or muscle gains. Track everything that matters to you.

    It’s never too late to start paying attention.

    So, tonight, for the first time in a long time, I’m sitting at a cafe, typing out this little essay—not worrying about work. Because I was productive earlier today and finished my tasks before leaving the office. There’s still work to be done, sure, but that’s for tomorrow.

    For those of you struggling with procrastination—if you want to overcome it, you can. Start today.

  • Quiet Places ☕️

    Quiet Places ☕️

    Whenever I found a cafe that fit what I deemed good, I would visit it to death. Sometimes literally. 

    The cafes I enjoyed visiting would have one of two outcomes: they become popular, overcrowded and noisy, making me not want to visit them or they stay nice and quiet but eventually shut down.

    So what makes a cafe good?

    • They serve reasonably priced coffee which I enjoy (non-fruity/acidic Americano/Long Black).
    • They have a quiet and comfortable environment, good internet, conducive for working.
    • They are in locations that are easy for me to get to with no parking difficulties.
    • Their business hours fit my schedule—I love cafes that don’t close and are open during public holidays).

    I don’t think this list is excessive, and it’s not like I complain or leave bad reviews if a cafe doesn’t meet my needs–I simply don’t visit it and look for an alternative. Lists like these make it easy for me to determine if I’m going to frequent a cafe.

    But the other day, after the closure of another cafe I frequented, I started thinking to myself – maybe it’s not a coincidence that all my favorite cafes died. If we reframe how I determine the goodness of a cafe, it can seem pretty selfish:

    • A cafe that serves exactly the kind of coffee I like—none of that fruity, acidic nonsense. Just cater to my taste buds, please.
    • A cafe that lets me hog a table all day, guilt-free as if it’s my personal co-working space.
    • A cafe so quiet that I’m the only one there. Other customers? Who needs ‘em?
    • A cafe with perfect parking, meaning it’s not busy enough to attract too many people.
    • A cafe that stays open whenever I need it to—public holidays included. It exists to serve me.

    Since I don’t make up the majority of the population in Kuala Lumpur, these traits are a death knell for any cafe looking to survive in the long run. Which is my list of favorite cafes has morphed into a casualty list:

    • Doiffee (the best, my favorite cafe RIP)
    • Since 18s (not dead, but moved somewhere inconvenient for me, so basically dead to me)
    • Sudo Brew (was my go-to place for public holidays and late nights, gone despite a rebrand)
    • Zus Taman Desa (still alive but too noisy now)
    • Mister Coffee Taman Desa (didn’t die either but became popular and too noisy to work in)
    • Dose N Mega (my pre-gym hangout, was a dead cafe but great for working in)
    • LDG Brasserie (my second pre-gym hangout after Dose N Mega shut down, now also dead)

    So yeah, either I’m the cancer, or I have a thing for doomed establishments.

    Lately, I’ve been hunting for new cafes to haunt, but the perfect spot has been elusive. Coffea Coffee has been decent—when it’s not too busy. Sparq at Bloomsvale Shopping Gallery has been my go-to for weekend mall trips, but who knows how long that will last?

    Nice and quiet

    If you have any suggestions for cafes that fit my selfish needs, let me know so I can pay a visit and curse them too.