Why Would I Write

Category: Thoughts

  • Nightmare/Dream

    So, I have this recurring dream. It’s the same scenario played out in different ways each time. It’s kinda terrifying, but at this point, I’ve had it so many times that I know it’s a dream while I’m dreaming. But I can never get out of it until I wake up.

    Here’s my dream last night: I’m at home, in my old house in Happy Garden. The doorbell rings, I open the door to see who’s outside. It’s a man with a gun. Now the right play would be to quickly shut the door and hide behind a wall – bullets don’t go through walls right? I never do that. Dude outside threatens to shoot me if I don’t let him in. I refuse. More people from his gang show up. They all have weapons. Soon, my front porch is overrun with men with weapons. By this time, I shut the door and try to exit my house through the back door. But these guys somehow surround my house and are waiting for me there too. So I’m stuck in my house, with nowhere to go, panicking, worried about my life. When one of them manages to enter my house and is about to attack me, I wake up.

    This dream (nightmare?) has occurred many times in the past. It’s always me, in my Happy Garden home, and the men are trying to get into my home to attack me. The other bits change. It could be day or night time, sometimes they have knives or parangs, the men look different. But I always wake up when one of them enter the house and is about to kill me.

    It feels pretty terrifying at times (I wonder if I yell out in my sleep), but I don’t do anything different. I’m not sure if I even have the option to. It’s like a movie that repeats itself now and then. I’ve become accustomed to having it, and have stopped looking for any meaning. But if there is a point to it, I wonder what it could be?

    On another note – why do you wake up just before you are attacked or killed in a dream? Is it a coincidence? Do you happen to dream right before you wake up? Does your body know that you’re going to wake up? Or do you only remember bits of the dreams before you wake up? Does dream time work like in Inception (where hours in the dream world could mean only seconds in real life)? What is my mind trying to say?

  • Don’t Call It a Comeback (Momentum)

    If there’s one thing I learned the importance of a long time ago, or something I know very well – it’s that momentum is a real thing. Once you start something, it’s easy to keep going. But when you take a break for whatever reason and you walk away from it – coming back to pick up where you left off is a difficult thing to do.

    There are a lot of things I wish I was doing, but I don’t bring myself to do them because it’s so much easier to be lazy and indulge in video games or watching shows. It’s already 7 months into 2019 – and have I accomplished any of my goals for the year?

    Nope.

    The main issue about taking a break from something for a long time is that it’s difficult to pick up and resume where you left of. Before you say, George, “You’re just being lazy!” Yes, I am aware of that. “There’s no such thing as momentum, it’s just your lack of willpower and discipline!” I wouldn’t argue with you about it. But this is something that I’m not the only one who struggles with. It’s a common thing. However, that doesn’t mean it’s something that I should accept. Regardless, it didn’t stop me thinking about it, after all – momentum is a very real thing (and it exists not just for physical objects, but in the metaphysical world as well).

    For example, there have been countless moments in video games like Dota 2, where a team that has been doing poorly at the start of a tournament, picking up steam in the later stages to win the whole thing. On the other end, there have been teams on hot streaks who then have a day off (because they’re in the winner’s bracket) and lose their next match. Even on a lower level, some games are won by momentum because one team keeps its cool under pressure better than the other one. Winning one team fight despite being very far behind turns into winning two, three more, and then the whole game.

    Reeling it back in to something more relatable – is this why some bands find it so difficult to follow up their debut albums? After spending so long on their first one and releasing it, they’ve expended all their creativity and energy, they can’t pick it up for the second release? Or is it why some bands churn out hit records after hit? Or maybe it’s a different reason – in that time between the first and second release, you’ve changed as people, and don’t create the same sort of art as before. You don’t have the same thoughts, you’re no longer in the same head space, maybe you no longer have the same struggles, maybe you have a different set of restrictions this time around. Who’s to say? Not me, I haven’t released an EP since A Million Different Weddings (which remains unfinished til this day if you remember my promise of creating album art for it).

    I’m sure it’s just my lack of willpower.

    Momentum is important. I remember last year when I was blogging on a daily basis – it was easy to keep up. I wrote something everyday, I forced myself to do it. Sure, it hampered the quality of my writing (to be honest, it wasn’t that great to begin with) but at least it was consistent. These days, I find myself looking at the calendar and going – oh, it’s been a week since my last post. I guess it’s time to write a new one.

    It’s kinda difficult to write when you’re not doing it everyday (work doesn’t count). Like my comic. Animal Bus – I haven’t been working on it for some time – we’re way past the December launch date I set for myself last year, and I’m nowhere near the state I want the comic to be before I release it. My game – no progress, ideas. Songs – I’ve managed to write something new, but I haven’t branched away from my usual acoustic guitar, 4-chord song structure nonsense.

    I guess I’m making excuses for myself when I don’t need to. I’m not even on a deadline, and nobody is holding their breath for my stuff. What I’m trying to say in so many words is that I haven’t accomplished anything this year. What’s new?

  • The finality of death.

    Yesterday, the empty spot next to my grandma’s urn was filled with my grandpa’s. It sucks that he’s no longer around, but I believe it’s better than living tethered to a bed.

    Thank you for all the trips to the cinema to watch Jacky Chan movies. Thank you for buying those tapes of Mind Your Language (I think it was Mind Your Language, I’m not 100% sure) so we could enjoy learning English together.

    Thank you for all the trips to Genting Highlands, I hope you weren’t too scared when I was behind the wheel for one of the drives. That C Class was a blast to drive. The first time I saw a car phone was in your old ass Mercedes. I wanted to press the buttons but was told not to fuck around with it.

    There was one time, we were coming down from Genting and I couldn’t hold my pee in. I remember grandma had to hold a bottle for me to pee in because you didn’t want to stop the car, or there wasn’t a stop nearby – I forgot. All I gotta say is that was one messy trip. Sorry, grandma.

    Grandpa’s death reminded me of two stories. One – from a motivational speaker who was saying that everything in life is neutral – it is up to you to place a value onto it. He gave an example about the death of a loved one. It isn’t inherently bad or good – you decide what it means to you. It can be negative in the sense that you’ll miss that person, or in some cases their debts/problems get pushed to you. It can be positive because they no longer have to suffer, and it brings families together. Especially if they don’t meet up very often. This time, I experienced the latter. It was nice catching up. I still don’t agree with trying to convert attendees during a wake, but hey – it wasn’t my say as I didn’t organize it. Also, what’s the point of eternal life? Stay classy, Christians.

    The second story was more of a joke/”psychological test” that I heard many years ago about why someone would murder their own family member to go to a funeral again. I wasn’t planning to kill anyone, it was just one of the things that popped into my mind.

    I’ve been to way too many funerals recently (they’re not enjoyable even though they contain the word ‘fun’) – hopefully this will be the last post on the topic for a while.

    Rest in peace, grandpa.