Why Would I Write

Category: Humor

  • M&Ms (are better than Smarties)


    I don’t think I really need to explain anything

  • Take pipes, take aim

    So the other day I was taking a leak at some public toilet and I heard this man say to his son, “Aim at the fox!”. But the creature in the urinal was a frog! So I thought that it was funny he mispronounced ‘frog’ or he really thought it was a fox. And if his son grows up calling a frog a fox, that would be pretty funny too.

    * * * * *

    Don’t you hate it when you use a public urinal and find piss all over the floor next to the urinals? So the other day I devised a machine which would solve the problem which the little aiming frogs couldn’t-

    Basically it is a larger basin under the main urinal which collects urine that manages to miss the main basin and pumps it up to a cannon aimed at the user’s face. I think a few sprays of your own piss to your face is enough to deter you from future carelessness. (Unless you’re the sort of person who’s into that sort of thing, then it’s a win-win situation anyway).

  • Complaintor.

    When I had a girlfriend, all I seemed to complain about was about my girlfriend and work. Now that I don’t have a girlfriend anymore, all I ever complain about is work. Do people ever complain about studies? Nah, it’s not something you can really complain about. I mean people expect studying to be a pain in the ass, what else is there to complain about? Life?

    But really, what is there to complain about life? I mean seriously, how bad can life be?
    Maybe if you go out of the house one day, and you lose an arm to a freak accident. You come back home, you find cops are all over the place cos your dad is a terrorist and the car that he bought for you 18th birthday was actually going to be used in a car bombing attempt. Then you find out your mom is really an undercover cop and your real mom is actually a transvestite in India locked up for trying to bribe a judge. I guess that would be a pretty fucked up day. Though it would make a truly interesting book/movie.

    Life gives you all sorts of choices. Each day you wake up, its like God rolled the dice for the day and your options get played out by you. Somedays you’re gonna roll 12 sixes in a row. Or maybe multiple ones. Whatever- it’s all random right? Then you get your challenges, and you decide how to solve them. Take the easy way? The long way? Sometimes you fail, sometimes you succeed.

    Your life story is like some adventure book.
    Turn to page 53 if you chose to touch that little boy in his pants….
    ..You get noticed by a passerby who calls the cops. The cops arrive and catch you in the act. Turn to page 140 if you choose to run, page 300 if you surrender yourself. Page 450 if you hold the kid hostage..

    Life is full of twists. I guess that’s what keeps us going. We’re always looking for our ‘next big break’ or ‘light at the end of the tunnel’. Or whatever metaphor you want to use to describe the hope that is almost there. Just barely out of reach. ‘A little bit more’, we would say.

    Nobody is truly happy. If they were, they wouldn’t be complaining..I heard someone say something along the lines of ‘the only people who don’t complain are the ones who are dead.’ I believe so.