A slow descent

I’m tired, cynical and broken but wiser.

It’s been almost a month since the incident. Yet it replayed in his head over and over again, as though it had just taken place yesterday. He let out a sigh. What choice do I have? Plenty. And you chose to walk down that path. You’re just another statistic.

Fuck.

He sat in front of his laptop, typing away furiously on the keyboard. Thoughts flying through his head. From his heart and mind into his fingers. He bled his heart out on the white screen in front of him. It was just one of those nights.

While there was music playing through the headphones plugged in his ears, he couldn’t help but feel the silence from the distance between him and her. She was far away – both physically and mentally.

All wanted to do was pull her into his arms, hold her close and whisper – “everything’s going to be okay.” But he knew that it wasn’t going to be okay. It was just a barefaced lie that he had been reciting to himself.

Heavy with a sense of resentment, but i used to be so much different, I used to have so much faith when I started.

There comes a point in everybody’s life where they make life changing decisions and ruin or bless the ones they love. This is one of them.

I never expected it to happen. But I’m not perfect. I’m only human. I could give you a multitude of excuses. But none of them would matter. Not in the slightest one bit.

I fucked up big time and that’s all there is to it.

No matter what he said, it wouldn’t change the fact that he had committed the most heinous crime, and even if she forgave him, he would and he could never forgive himself.

You knew that I always meant it.

All the trust between them – built up from two years of dating, smoking cigarettes, holding hands, amazing sex, corny jokes, passionate kissing and thought-provoking conversation – was now gone.

“Joke’s on you, it was bound to happen in the end. Nothing perfect lasts forever,” he thought to himself.

Why did I have to go and ruin such a good thing?

And I knew it but as soon as it began it was ruined. A slow descent from unique to routine, over and over, “just do it again and this time with feeling”.

He paused his typing for a moment to lean back and light up another cigarette.

You were the best thing that ever happened to my life. And I had to go and fuck it all up. Nobody else was this amazing. This wonderful. This great to me. You’re perfect, in every single way. I tried – trust me, I’ve tried and tried – to find a flaw in you, but I’ve given up a long time ago and just accepted the perfection you are to me.

Nobody else understood him the way she did. Their personal boundaries, priorities in life, and love of family and pets. It was all he had ever wanted in a partner. Not only was she understanding, she was the kindest person he had ever known, sometimes even risking both of their lives just to help someone out in need.

He found her, fell in love with her, and courted her. He knew that even if he didn’t get married, he’d be happy spending the rest of his life with her.

And don’t you say a word unless you’re pretty sure that you want it analyzed.

It wasn’t just him. Their friends and families had met and were fond of each other.

It was going to be tough bringing them the bad news. After all, nobody saw this coming. Not even him.

He erased his letter and stared at blankly at the white screen. He didn’t even know where to begin.

Baby, I’m sorry.

He looked at his phone. The notification light remained unlit. There wasn’t going to be any new messages from her. I forgive you, don’t worry about a damn thing. I’ll take you back. No way in hell. He got what he deserved.

He recalled the grin she had on her face when they were saying their final goodbyes.

Have a nice life.

What a terrible thing to say.

So we drove for what seemed like days over roads and four lane highways. We said all we had to say and I realized in time that it didn’t mean anything.